I Love You as I Lose You More
by AlexisRose84
Summary: If you could go back in time and change the path you chose, would you? Would you do it for the woman you loved? Would you do it even if it meant you'd lose her, again? Modern day AU COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone! New story has come to my muse. This one is a tragic love story. I'll warn you in advance. It will also have a bit of a supernatural element to it. I know I have a few stories I haven't updated in a while. I plan on working on those soon. But this one begged to be written first. Enjoy! _

**I Love You as I Lose You More **

_Once you're here you're never gone_

_Oh, once you're here you're never gone_

_Fallen from a night of cold_

_A piece of me that I can't hold_

_I love you as I lose you more_

_I break outside this open door_

_Catch me as I wash away_

_Oh, catch me as I wash away_

_Ooh, catch me as I wash away. _

_-Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Steve Erdody- _Break

There was a book signing at ten. He closed the bookshop page on his laptop and loudly sighed. Over his screen, he could feel Mary Crawley's eyes staring into him. He hunched his shoulders over and ignored her glare. Working at Downton Estates with Robert had been a dream of his since he left the army years ago. Mary Crawley had not been part of that dream. She would inherit the estate one day and had decided that she also wanted to work at the company. If it was going to be hers, she wanted to make sure everything ran properly before then.

Robert's other girls had both decided they didn't want a stake in the company, even though he had offered to split it three ways. Edith, his middle child, married a Marquess and so she had no desire to run an estate. While money was not even a blip on her radar anymore, she would still inherit her fair share of her parents' money one day. Sybil would get the same. She also hadn't wanted to work at the estate. No, she had wanted to become a doctor, an OBGYN, to be exact. So that left Mary. And Mary was a determined one.

She was also Anna Smith's friend.

John sighed again. Anna.

A year and a half ago, the two were engaged to get married. They had been deeply in love and had plans for a family. Anna spoke often of wanting a son to look like his father and John would laugh and say no a daughter to look like her.

But that had ended. When Anna wanted to travel and explore the world, John had taken it as though she wanted to break up. So, they had. And he hadn't seen her since the day she left their flat in tears.

Since that day, Mary was always staring at him when she thought he wasn't looking. Her eyes bore into his skin.

But today, he knew there was more to it. Anna was back in town. She had written a book. A successful book. There was a book signing at the bookstore on the estate. People had been talking about it all over town. Anna Smith from their town, a writer! They all exclaimed.

A loud breath left Mary's lips and John glanced up to meet her gaze.

"Are you going to go to the book signing?" Mary finally questioned.

"No," John quickly replied.

"Of course you aren't," Mary scoffed. Mary stood from her desk and placed some of her papers into a folder. "For some reason, she still loves you."

At that, she got John's attention again.

"She does not. Plus, she got what she wanted," John reminded Mary. John always kept their talks to work business only. Talks about Anna always caused the two of them to argue.

"No, she didn't. She wanted you to come with her. To travel. To see the world and you kept yourself right here in Downton," Mary argued.

"We were getting married. You don't just…." John stopped himself and shook his head. "Never mind. I'm not arguing about this with you, Mary."

Mary lifted her eyebrows, but didn't say another word. She turned and headed down the corridor where her main office was.

John huffed. But his fingers decided to check the book signing information one more time. He clicked open the screen and her face was staring back at him. With a sigh, he closed his laptop and got back to work.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"This is so wonderful, Anna! Truly!" Daisy exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around Anna's neck and held her close. For years, the two had worked at Downton together.

"Thank you, Daisy."

"We're all quite proud of you," Mrs. Patmore added. "We make sure to tell everyone in town that we know you."

"Yes, they do," Mrs. Carson stated with a smile. "We're all proud."

"Thank you. I can't thank you enough for all your support. I am so glad to be back here at Downton. I missed you all. I wanted to come back sooner, but…." Anna's words faded. Thankfully, the others missed it, because the announcer began to introduce Anna.

While he spoke, Anna's eyes fell over the crowd. She saw Mary up front with several books already in her hands, making Anna chuckle. But who she wanted to see was nowhere in the audience. It was the real reason she hadn't returned home. He had been angry with her. He read her want to travel as though she wanted to leave him. For someone who had always been able to read her, he had read her so terribly that day.

The announcer finished his introduction and Anna took her seat at the table. She pushed a bright smile on her lips and tried not to think about John. For nearly two hours, she signed books and took pictures. Every Downton native told her how proud they were of her. All of these people who didn't know her were proud of Anna. A random, nobody from their town had become someone.

"How does this work, exactly?" A familiar voice spoke. Anna glanced up and her heart skipped a beat. He was here. John was here. Her lips curled into a smile, but she bit down on the corner to keep it from being too noticeable.

"What…what would you like me to sign?" Anna asked.

"I guess to John," he stated. His jaw was clinched in the way he always kept it when he was unsure of how he felt about a situation. Anna had to hold every ounce of willpower to keep herself from jumping up and wrapping her arms around his neck. She had missed him, so much.

But she needed to move on from that dream. He had moved on. He had hurt her too, in many ways.

Anna quickly wrote inside of his book and slid it back to him.

"It was nice seeing you," Anna sincerely stated. "Will you be at the party Mary is throwing?"

"I…I'm not sure that's a good idea, Anna," John replied. Anna's face fell, but she quickly covered it up.

"Oh, okay."

She didn't have time to say much more, because there were still people who wanted to meet her. John moved out of the way and Anna watched as his frame disappeared within the crowd.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Walking away, John opened the book to see what Anna had written.

_To John._ _Love you always, Anna. _

John glanced back at Anna and saw her smiling and taking pictures with some younger girls. Her face was bright. His heart twisted. He wanted to rush back to her and crash his lips into hers. But he held himself back, turned, and left.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

He showed up. He wasn't sure why. Or what he was doing here, exactly. Maybe he needed to know for sure that she was happy. Maybe he needed to make sure that there was no longer a spark between the two of them. He wasn't sure.

"Bates!" Robert's voice boomed. He and Cora walked over to John and offered him a glass of champagne. "You made it just in time for the speech."

"Speech?"

"Yes, Mary is making Anna do a speech," Cora explained. "Poor Anna."

"Oh she'll do great," Robert replied.

"She will," John agreed.

John watched as Anna was brought to the front of the room by Mary.

"Our lady of honor! Anna Smith!" Mary announced. "My best friend," she added with a bright smile. Mary stepped aside and he watched as Anna shifted uneasily on her feet. She had never been one to want much attention and he was sure the book signing had been plenty for her that day.

"Hello everyone and thank you for coming out to celebrate with me. When I first wrote my story and took it to the first few publishing companies, they all begged for me to change the ending. A tragic love story was not what they wanted. They said that people needed happy endings, but I refused. Tragedy can show us what really matters. With life comes tragedy. We lose the people we love, but because we know that can happen, we cherish them more deeply. I do hope you enjoyed _I'll Find You_. Thank you everyone!"

John sat back. He wondered if her tragic book had been created out of their heartbreak. Or perhaps something she had gone through in her travels. He wasn't sure.

Before she left, Anna had spoken of writing children's books. She had never mentioned the idea of a tragic love story to John. All her ideas had been happy and joyful, with a sense of adventure for children.

With a sigh, John headed back to the corner of the room, staying hidden out of plain sight. He didn't want to speak with Anna, but he did want to be here in support of her. His love for her hadn't faded, even though he had often wished it had.

For hours he was able to get away with minimal talks with random people. Mary avoided him, thankfully, and Robert had been busy making sure he got a chance to speak with everyone. So when John decided it was time to duck out, he hadn't expected to run smack into Anna outside.

He ran into her as she rushed across the threshold.

"Sorry," Anna said, stepping back one stair. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"I…..What are you doing outside? Shouldn't you be in there?" John questioned.

"I….I was going back in when you bumped into me," Anna reminded him. "I just needed to get out for a few minutes. It's overwhelming being the center of attention. Everyone is so proud of what I've accomplished," Anna stated. John nodded.

"Yes. A tragic tell, you say? I thought your plan was children's books."

"It was, but things change," Anna quietly said. She met John's eyes and twisted her lips to one side, before biting down on her lower lip. "Are….are you happy?"

"I'm content," John simply answered. "My fiancée decided to leave me and see the world," he added as a jab at her. He wasn't even sure where it came from. Pent up anger, he assumed, from the past year and a half. Anna stepped back slightly, as though she had been slapped, and took in a shuddering breath.

"That's not how it happened," she replied. "I wanted you to come with me." Anna's lips were quivering with her own anger. "I wanted to go together."

"We were getting married in two weeks, Anna. How else was I supposed to see it?"

Anna shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. "I guess you made your choice and I made mine."

Stepping forward, Anna pushed past John to go back inside. But before she could step through the door, John paused her by placing his hand on her shoulder.

"You ruined my life," he muttered. Anna blinked harshly. He saw tears well in her eyes and immediately he felt like an ass. But before he could say anything else, Anna had quickly stepped away and disappeared.

A heavy sigh left his lips and he clinched his jaw. He glanced back in the house and then decided it was time to leave. He'd done enough damage for the night.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John awoke to pounding on his front door. He was on his couch and felt confused for a brief moment. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was one in the afternoon. He must have fallen asleep on the couch after he had eaten his lunch. John wasn't normally one to nap. He rubbed his hand over his face and yawned.

The pounding came back at his door and he jumped up off the couch. It was a Sunday and he didn't work on Sundays. He was curious who could be here.

Upon opening the door, he saw it was Mary on the other side. Before he could ask her why she would be at his door on a Sunday, he noticed her face was full of anguish and covered with fresh tears. A sob broke through her lips and John quickly helped her in through his door.

"Mary? What's wrong? What's happened?"

Mary's head harshly shook.

"I…..I thought you….you should be told in person," Mary began, but her shoulders were shaking so harshly that she was having a hard time getting the words out.

"Is it your father? Has something happened to Robert?" Mary's head shook. "Mary?"

"It…it's Anna," Mary cried.

"Anna?" John questioned, his heart falling into his chest. "What's happened to Anna?"

"She's…..she died, John. Anna…Anna's dead."

**_To be continued..._**

_Please let me know if you'd like more. Trust me that this story has a ways to go. :) Thank you in advance! _


	2. Chapter 2

**_Here is chapter 2! Thank you so much for the reviews! They are always appreciated and always help my muse! _**

**Chapter 2 **

_What is love and what's it for  
I'm stuck outside an open door  
And no one's come to get me yet  
I never got a second bet  
I'm welcomed to your fantasy  
If only she was make-believe  
Oh what is love and what's it for?  
Oh take me back and do me more  
Ooh take me back and do me more_

_-Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Steve Erdody- _Break

"Thank you," Anna said, smiling at the barista and taking her coffee from his hands. With both her hands, she cupped the coffee and brought it up to her lips, grateful for the rush of heat and caffeine touching her lips. She used to not be a coffee drinker, but as she wrote and had late nights, she had found herself needing the nectar to keep her awake.

"It's you!" A teen girl excitedly said, rushing over to Anna. "Can I get a picture?"

"Sure," Anna replied with a smile. She leaned in and the girl pulled out her phone to do a selfie.

"Thank you!"

"No problem," Anna answered. It was still weird to get stopped by a random stranger wanting a picture with her. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did, it still threw her off guard. She couldn't believe people wanted to take pictures with her.

She opened the door of the coffee shop and stepped outside. It was a nice, brisk day. She was staying at a hotel across the street. Mary had wanted her to stay with her, but Anna decided against it. She had more writing to do for her next book and needed the quiet of the hotel room of her own.

With the success of _I'll Find You_, her publishers were hoping for a new story. Anna was struggling with her characters and set up of the story. She knew they wanted another tragic love story, but she wasn't sure where to begin.

Anna clicked the button for the road crossing sign and waited until the light told her it was time to cross. She stepped onto the gravel and took a few steps, before she heard someone scream. But she didn't have a chance to see why someone had screamed, because next thing she knew, her world went black.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"What?" John questioned, his head shaking slightly. "She….she can't….what…."

"She was crossing the street and….and a car ran a red light. She….it hit her and she…she was killed instantly," Mary explained, her body trembling.

John couldn't seem to breathe. This couldn't be right. Anna couldn't be dead. He fell back against the wall and closed his eyes. Anna….she couldn't be gone. Not his Anna.

"No," John breathed, his eyes popping open. "I just….last night. I saw her last night and she was fine. There has to be a mistake."

"There's not," Mary sobbed. "I…I had to identify her body." Mary's lips twisted and curled, as she wept. The sounds were heartbreaking. "And then…." Mary was having a hard time controlling her tears.

John led Mary over to the couch and set her down. He walked to the kitchen to grab her a glass of water. He felt as though he was stuck in some kind of trance. Nothing felt right.

He took the glass of water to Mary, who gave him a weak smile of thanks. Then he sat down next to her, feeling completely lost. Anna was gone. The love of his life was gone. Tears sprung to his eyes and he brought his shaky hand up and over his lips.

"Once I knew, I….I rushed over here," Mary began to explain. "I…I didn't want you to hear it from someone else. I…." Mary couldn't speak. Her entire body shook and she covered her lips with her fist.

"Thank you," John finally got out. "Thank you for telling me. I just…." He paused, several tears slipped from his eyes. He would never see her again. Never hold her.

Mary wiped under her eyes and glanced back up at John. She placed her hand on John's wrist and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"She loved you, so much, John. Just last night, after the party, she was telling me how much she cared about you. How she wanted you to be happy. Know that she loved you," Mary assured him. John's heart knotted. Here Mary was trying to tell him how much Anna loved him and make him feel better, when he had be awful to her.

_You ruined my life._

The last words he had spoken to Anna bounced around in his head. He had been cruel, vile. His stomach twisted and he could feel a sob forming at the base of his throat. Despite it all, Anna had still spoken highly of him to Mary. Sweet, sweet Anna.

At that thought, John couldn't hold his sobs in any longer. She was gone. Anna was gone. He would never be able to take his words back. It would forever be the last thing he said to her.

"You're the only other person in the world who loved Anna like I did," Mary said, sniffling. Her body shuddered with the aftershocks of her sobs. "I….I don't know how we'll get through this."

John closed his eyes. The pain was palpable. He could feel the crushing gloom filling his frame. The anguish was smothering. He wasn't sure how he would make it to the next moment.

"I have to start the arrangements for the funeral and….everything. I'd like you to help. You would know what she would like. I…I want it to be nice for her."

"Yes," John agreed. "I'll help."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The rest of the day, John had remained locked in his mind. The last four words he spoke to Anna and their last interaction played over and over. He had hurt her. How could he have been so mean to her? Anna was always kind. Always generous.

Why couldn't he have just said yes a year and a half ago? Now, he couldn't even remember why he had been so opposed and hurt at her suggestion. At the time, he was sure she wanted to get away from him, from everything, but now…..now all he knew was that if he had said yes perhaps she would still be here today. Maybe the last year and a half wouldn't have been shrouded in unhappiness.

He stood from his couch and walked to his bedroom. The sun had set and he had to get up early in the morning to go over funeral arrangements with Mary. The word funeral held heavy on his tongue. Anna had only been thirty-two years old. Thirty-two and full of life. And he would never be able to talk to her again. Never be able to apologize for any of it.

Robotically, John prepared for bed. His fingers unbuttoned his front and when he closed his eyes, he could see her standing there in front of him. Her fingers were over his helping him and giving him that sly grin. But when his eyes opened, she was gone. His fingers reached out to where she had been and pulled back at the emptiness.

Once he had brushed his teeth, he crawled into his bed. The book from the day before was sitting on his bedside table. He lifted it and opened it to the page where she had signed his name.

_Love you always, Anna._

His fingers traced over the letters multiple times until his eyes were blurry with tears. Closing the book, he laid down and held it close to his chest. Almost as though having the book would bring her back to him.

It took hours, but eventually he fell into a fitful sleep.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_His steps echoed throughout the hallway. He glanced around the huge estate and wondered where everyone was._

_ "John?" He turned and there she was, standing right in front of him. She looked different,_ _ethereal. _

_ "Anna!" He exclaimed. With quick steps, he walked toward her. When he reached for her, his fingers swiped right through her. "Anna?"_

_ Her head shook. "I'm not Anna," she answered. "I've come to you in her form, but I am not her."_

_ "Then why…..?"_

_ "If you could, would you go back?" The vision asked him. _

_ "Go back where?"_

_ "Before you said no to traveling the world with her," the vision told him. John's breaths sharpened and he nodded. _

_ "Absolutely. I would change everything," he breathed. "Everything." _

_ "Even if you'll still lose her?" _

_ "What?"_

_ "Where there is death, there will always be death. You can go back in time and change your story. Have happiness. But the end will be the same. You will lose her at the same moment, at the same time," the vision explained. _

_ "There has to be a way to save her." The vision's head shook._

_ "Where there is death, there will always be death."_

_ "Then why would I go back if I will still lose her?" John asked. _

_ "To have more time. Time to fix the past. Time to end your story with you in love and together." _

_ "Yes," John then said, so resolutely. "Yes, I want to go back. I want to do it over again. I….I don't want to lose her, but if I can give her the story she deserves, I'll do it."_

_ "Very well then."_

_ There was a flash of light and then everything disappeared. _

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John abruptly awoke. It was a dream. It was only a dream. The agonizing pain ripped through his body again and he curled to his side to hug himself. Anna was still gone. There was no supernatural being about to send him back in time. A tear slid down his cheek and he shifted in the bed to wipe it away.

That was when something shifted in the bed next to him. His heart stopped. Then it turned and staring right back at him was Anna. Her eyes were open, but were full of sleep. She yawned and reclosed her eyes.

John reached his hand out, sure he was still dreaming. As he brushed his hand against her cheek, her eyes reopened. She brought her hand up to cover his and smiled.

"Why are you awake?"

"Anna…." He asked, sure he was dreaming. Anna sat up and the moonlight fell right over her, making her seem surreal.

"What's the matter, John? You look like you've seen a ghost."

**_To be continued..._**

_Thank you for reading! More soon! _


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks to this chapter the story got bumped up to M. Not sure if this will be the only M chapter yet, or not. We shall see. Thank you for reading! _

**Chapter 3**

Slowly, John sat himself up and reached his hand back out to touch Anna's face. His palm cupped her jaw and he ran his thumb over her lips, feeling her sigh against his skin. Her face was warm and flushed and she felt so incredibly real. His other hand came up to touch her cheek and he scooted closer to her, his lips slightly trembling.

"John?" Anna worriedly questioned. John couldn't speak. He just needed to touch her. Deep down he knew this was a dream and he needed to enjoy every moment before it disappeared.

He brought his head down and caught Anna's lips with her own. She gasped slightly, but quickly melted into him. Her fingers brushed against his bare chest, before running over his shoulders and joining behind his neck.

His lips parted slightly and Anna took the opportunity to slip her tongue out and into his. He moaned in appreciation, allowing his hands to fall down upon her shoulders. Deliberately, he moved his lips from Anna's and began to kiss along the curve of her jaw. He needed to kiss every inch of her. When he woke up, she would be gone. Anna lifted her head to allow him better access and happily groaned as his lips landed on the special spot on her neck.

John's fingers danced along the edge of the large t-shirt Anna was wearing. It was one of his shirts and it nearly engulfed her frame. The collar was so large that her right shoulder was bare while it fell off and onto her arm. He kissed her exposed shoulder. Then he wrapped his fingers around the edge of the shirt and lifted it up. Anna happily obliged by bringing her arms up to help him pull it off of her.

"You're beautiful," John murmured. Anna shyly bit down on her lower lip and bent over to kiss the corner of his lip.

John's hands ran down her sides and she shivered against his touch. He could feel her breaths against his skin and it made his eyes feel with tears.

"John?" Anna questioned, her fingers brushing right along his cheek. "Are you alright?"

Taking her hand, John nodded and he brought her hand up to his lips, kissing it.

"I just love you so much, Anna, and I don't ever want to lose you," he told her.

"You're not going to lose me, John," she promised. Her words filled the room and it made John's heart break. He already had. This was all a dream. Soon he would wake up and she would vanish.

John brought his lips back to hers and kissed her deeply. His hands came up behind her head and he slowly lowered her onto their bed. His lips then followed the curve of her jaw to her ear, before following the line of her neck and peppering lower until it met her breasts. Anna ran her fingers through his dark hair and gave an appreciated moan as his lips covered her left nipple. Her back arched and she reached for his hand to bring it up to her other breast.

Knowing what she wanted, John obliged. He kneaded and teased, making Anna gasp for air.

"I….I need you," Anna pleaded. She skirted her fingers into his elastic and made John's head draw back and a groan left his lips.

John sat up and placed himself over Anna. He hooked his fingers into her knickers and pulled them down. Anna lifted her hips up to assist him. She reached out to help him out of his, but John paused her by wrapping his hands around her wrists.

"Not yet," he said. His hands fell down to her thighs and he slowly ran circles against the skin, growing closer and closer to her center. Anna's hips moved up, begging for contact where the heat and wetness had accumulated.

As his thumb ran over her, she panted and pressed her hand over his, begging him to go harder, deeper. John quickly obliged. He could feel her need for him. He had barely broached her and the tips of his fingers were already soaked.

Before entering her, he brought his lips back to hers and kissed her fiercely. When his finger entered her, she cried out.

"Please, John," she begged. He added a second finger and his thumb ran across the bundle of nerves. She was so worked up that it barely took anytime to bring her to her high and over the edge. She panted against his skin and reached for his pants, pulling the elastic down and revealing him to her.

She guided him into her and he remained still as soon as the two were joined. He didn't want to move. He wanted to stay just like this, forever. His hand came up to her cheek and he watched her face, still glowing from her high. Her lips were slightly parted and harsh breaths were still leaving them.

Anna rose her hips, begging for him to move. He finally did, slowly. He wanted to make this last. He prayed when he woke up in the morning that he would remember this dream. With a roll of her hips, Anna made him gasp with pleasure. He began to meet her and soon he could no longer control himself.

When he felt himself coming near the edge, he went to find her special spot to help her reach it with him. As she came around him, squeezing him, he came undone too. He fell on top of her, falling onto his elbows to keep from squishing her.

"Well, that was a lovely middle of the night surprise," Anna said, a smile on her lips. He felt as her hand ran up the back of his spine and rested on his buttock.

"I'm so sorry, Anna," he said, making her brows furrow. "I should have been better."

"What? That was amazing," Anna told him. John shook his head.

"No, not about that. About….." His words faded. How does one apologize to a figment of their imagination anyway? He kissed her forehead and slowly rolled off her. Then he pulled her into his arms and held her close.

"Oh no," Anna muttered, pressing her forehead against his chest.

"What? What's wrong, my darling?" Anna glanced up and gave him a sheepish grin.

"We didn't use any protection. We were supposed to wait a few months after we got married to start trying for a baby," Anna chuckled. John brushed his hand against her shoulder. That was right. Before it all changed, they had been using protection with the plan to stop after they had been married for a few months. Babies had always been their wish.

"Well, if it happens it happens," John said, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Yes, we'll be married in two weeks anyway. We'll just see what happens," Anna replied with a smile. John's body tensed and he held her close. He didn't want to fall asleep. He didn't want this moment to ever end.

"I love you, Anna," he said firmly.

"I love you too," Anna sleepily stated, before falling asleep into a deep, satisfied slumber.

John just held onto her and tried to remain awake. He knew as soon as he fell asleep he would wake up to the world where Anna no longer was alive. Tears sprung to his eyes. He hoped he would never awake.

But eventually slumber won over and John fell into a deep sleep.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

When John awoke, he reached his hand out to find the other side of the bed empty. His heart fell in his chest and even though he had known it was just a dream, he had been hopeful that it was not. He noticed a small dip in the pillow next to him, almost as though his dream could have been real.

Falling onto his back, he held back a sob. Anna was gone. She had been hit by a car.

Suddenly, he felt the need to hold her book, to run his fingers over the letters she had written down for him. He scrambled over the bed, lifting the covers. It was nowhere to be found.

"No," he cried. He jumped off the bed and bent down to make sure it hadn't fallen beneath it. It wasn't there. It hadn't even registered to him that he wasn't dressed. His sole focus was on the book and it was missing.

Tears seeped from his eyes and he sat on the bed. It was gone. The book was gone. Anna was gone. The book had been her last I love you to him. He covered his hand with is mouth and allowed his shoulders to shake with the sobs that wanted to escape.

As he cried, his eyes landed on the clock. It was ten in the morning. His eyes widened. He was supposed to meet Mary at nine at the funeral home. How was his phone not going off a million times with calls from her?

He lifted his phone off the bedside table and saw that there were no missed calls or messages. With a sigh, he stood and decided to get dressed. He would text Mary after he was ready and was leaving.

The sound of water being turned on made John's ears perk up. He headed into the bathroom and opened up the door. There Anna stood preparing to jump into the shower.

"Anna…." He breathed, his breath catching in his throat.

"Good morning," she said with a bright smile. "Did I wake you? I didn't mean to."

"No," John said with a shake of his head. "What….what day is it?"

"Sunday," Anna chuckled.

"No…no what date," he clarified.

"The 5th."

"Of?" Anna heartily laughed.

"What game are you playing, John? It's the 5th of August, 2018. We're getting married in two weeks, silly beggar."

Two weeks. Married in two weeks. He stepped forward and brought his hands up to her cheeks, making sure she was real.

"What is going on in that head of yours?" Anna questioned. John just shook his head. This was real. He had gone back in time eighteen months. Anna was here, with him. He bent down and caressed his lips against yours.

"I….I'm just so happy to see you," John honestly answered. "I won't mess it up this time," he promised. Anna's brows furrowed.

"This time? What?"

"I love you, Anna. And I won't…..I won't mess it up. I promise."

"Okay," Anna said, slightly confused. "You could join me, in the shower," she draped her hands over his shoulders.

"Yes," John moaned. "I would love that."

Then he stepped into the warmth with Anna and happily joined with her again, making sure to cherish every moment.

_**To be continued...**_

_I'm about to have visitors for several days, so this may be my last story update until mid next week. If I get the chance today, I will try to update one of my other stories. _

_Thank you! _


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

He couldn't keep his eyes or hands off of her. He was sure that if he looked away, she would vanish into thin air. As she poured the pancake batter into the pan, he ran his fingers over the curve of her shoulder and pressed kisses in the nook of her neck. Anna giggled and the vibrations tickled his lips.

"John, you're making it difficult to make breakfast, you know?" Anna playfully told him. She flipped the pancake and lightly pushed him away with her hand. John stepped back slightly, but kept his hand on her lower back.

"You didn't have to make breakfast. I would have happily taken you somewhere to eat," John stated. Anna nodded.

"I know. I wanted pancakes. Carbs were needed after the past twelve hours," she teased, turning to face him and wiggling her eyebrows. John lifted his hand from her back and placed it back on her chin. He just needed to make sure she was really here with him.

He wasn't sure if he was awake or asleep. Everything felt incredibly real, but a part of him couldn't believe any of this was true. He kept waiting for the alarm to wake him up and bring him back to the harsh reality of a world without Anna in it.

"Are you sure you're alright? You've been acting strange since late last night," Anna asked him again. "You aren't wanting to back out of the wedding are you?"

At that, John sharply shook his head. He brought himself closer to her and caught her lips with his own.

"No," he said, as he pulled away from their kiss. "Never." Anna smiled.

"Good." She turned her attention back to the pancakes and sighed. It was burnt. She lifted the pan and scraped it into the trash bin. "I guess we'll just have to eat the ones that are already done. Come on, let's go sit down and eat."

John had to drop his hand from Anna and he twitched his lips. Anna didn't seem to notice his uncomfortableness and walked the breakfast food to their kitchen table. She arranged the food, while John went to grab them both a plate and fork.

When they sat down from across each other, he reached his foot out to wrap his ankle around Anna's. Anna gratefully accepted his touch by running her ankle up against his.

"I…I have a confession," Anna said, biting down anxiously on her lower lip. "These are pancakes with a hidden agenda." Her cheeks blushed slightly and John glanced down at the table. That was right. The day Anna talked to John about wanting to quit their jobs and see the world, it had been over a pancake breakfast.

"Oh, is that so?" John asked, trying to feign ignorance.

"This is something that has been on my mind for a long time, John. I….well, I kept pushing it back because I thought I was crazy, but…..well, John, I need to do this and I want you to do it with me. I want to be a writer. I keep trying to write these children's books and nothing comes from it. I need more experience. More travel under my belt. I….John, I want us to sell this flat and go travel the world for a year."

John sat back slightly. He wanted to scream, yes, of course, yes. But he had to act believable. He reached his hand out across the table and took Anna's hand within his own. It was real. His thumb ran over the top of her knuckles. Immediately, his mind went back to when this originally happened and the hurt in his heart at her wanting to leave everything they loved behind. There was no hurt this time.

"Is that really what you want?" John carefully asked, knowing full well the answer to that question.

"Yes. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, John. I just feel it deep within my bones and I have been working up the courage these past few days to mention it to you," Anna continued. Meeting her eyes, John could see the hope within them. Before, it had seemed absolutely insane. Sell their flat? Quit their jobs? But he had seen her success now. And he knew that her life would be cut short. Now, he would do anything to have that time with her before she was gone.

"Okay," John simply stated. "Let's do it."

Anna's head cocked to the side, as though she was making sure she heard him correctly. As her eyes narrowed, she pursed her lips together and clucked the roof of her mouth.

"You're not going to try to talk me out of it? Tell me I've gone batty?"

John shook his head and laughed. "No," he answered. "We'll go see the world. When would we leave?"

Anna inhaled sharply, before jumping out of her seat and running over to John, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I can't believe it!" She said. She situated herself so that she was sitting in his lap and then pressed her lips against his. John could taste the sweetness from the syrup and it elicited a moan from his lips.

"When would we leave?" John questioned again. Anna sat up and shook her head.

"I…I don't know. After the wedding? I want us to get married first. Plus, if we ducked out of the wedding, Mary would absolutely murder us. I think she's more excited about it than we are!" Anna joked.

"After the wedding then," John agreed. They had never planned a honeymoon. It was something they kept putting off, well Anna had been. And now John understood why. She had been wanting for them to leave the wedding and start their yearlong honeymoon traveling the world. John brought his fingers up to caress her neck.

"We should start planning now! Choose our first location!" Anna giddily stated.

"Where do you want to go first?"

"America," Anna answered. "I want to see a show on Broadway in New York City and then see the South and do, well, so many things!"

"Whatever you wish!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Are you insane?" Mary asked Anna. She had come over to their flat that afternoon to go over some last minute wedding plans.

"No," Anna replied. "We booked a flight today. The day after our wedding, we are flying to New York. We've also already spoken to someone about selling the flat. They'll take care of all the details while we're away." John just sat next to Anna on the couch, his fingers still lingering on her. He trailed them over her arm and went to take her hand within his own.

Mary's eyes turned to John. "And you're okay with this? Have you spoken to Papa?"

"I did. He was thrilled for us," John answered. Mary just sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Honestly. And you're just quitting your job like that Anna?"

"It was always the plan," Anna reminded her. It had been. The plan was for them to marry and Anna to quit her job to focus on her writing. "I have a decent savings built up for us to travel on and once we sell the flat….."

"I just….I can't believe you both. This is ridiculous!" Mary continued on with her ranting. It was the first time John had seen her upset about this. When he had told Anna no, Mary had always taken Anna's side when he was around her. He wondered if Anna had received an earful from Mary as well.

"We will be fine, Mary. It will only be a year," Anna reminded her.

"A year is a long time, Anna. What if you run out of money?"

"We'll stay on top of it and if we do, we'll come home early," Anna answered.

"Get pregnant?"

"We'll have the baby wherever we are," Anna explained. Mary sighed.

"Babies are a lot of work. You won't be able to just take him anywhere."

"It will be fine, Mary, truly. This is what we want to do. Just trust us."

Mary twisted her lips to the side and glanced back over to John, as though she wanted him to say something to make Anna change her mind. He just lifted his hands in surrender and smiled.

"We're going," he told her. "Nothing you can say or do will change her mind."

"Well, alright, but don't come crying to me when it all fails miserably."

"We won't," Anna stated, with a laugh.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Two weeks flew by incredibly fast. John could already feel the time slipping away. Today was his wedding day and all he could think about was how he was that much closer to losing her.

The night before, Mary had taken Anna to stay at Downton for the night. And it had been the first night he had been away from her. When he had woken up this morning, he was sure it had all been a dream and that she was gone.

Panicked, he had grabbed his phone and sighed a sigh of relief when he saw the year was still 2018.

He was thrilled to be marrying her. To officially belong to one another in the eyes of the law and everyone else.

Buttoning the front of his jacket, John stood straight up to make sure it was laying correctly on his shoulders. Robert came up from behind him and gave his back a firm pat.

"Today you get married!" He exclaimed. "Are you ready? And are you sure about this leaving the country and seeing the world?"

"I am," John replied. He had no doubt in his mind. He could not lose this time with Anna again.

"Brilliant!" John nodded. Soon, Mary was in the room barking orders at everyone. While they were having a small, intimate affair, Mary had taken charge and was trying to make sure every element was perfect.

John just did as Mary told him. As long as she was making Anna's day easier and keeping her happy, he didn't care. If he had any inclination that Mary was stressing Anna out, then he would put his foot down.

When he was standing at the end of the aisle and the music started playing, his heart began to pound in his chest. There she was. His Anna. She was beautiful. She wore an ivory, lace dress that fit her perfectly. He swallowed hard.

She reached him and he immediately took her hands into his own. This was it. In this moment, they would become one. Tears began to well in his eyes and he was grateful that everyone would just think it was because of the wedding. But really, he was thinking about how grateful he was that he was getting this moment.

The ceremony went quickly and soon they were named Mr. and Mrs. Bates. John dipped his head down to Anna and brought his hand up around her neck to pull her closer to him, before meeting their lips.

"That was nice, Mr. Bates," Anna murmured, pulling back from the kiss. And suddenly, it felt as though they were the only two in the room. The sounds of the clapping around them nearly ceased to exist.

"It was, _Mrs. Bates_," John happily stated.

The two turned and saw the small crowd clapping for the two of them. Anna locked her arm into John's and allowed him to lead her down the short aisle. As they exited the small area, John pulled Anna to a small corner of the room and kissed her again.

"This is the happiest day of my life," he told her. "And I don't want to forget a moment of it."

"Me too," Anna agreed, kissing him again. "Happiest day. I love you."

"I love you, too."

_To be continued..._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

John rolled over in his bed and reached his arms out to pull Anna to his chest, but the bed was empty. Like always when she was gone, he awoke with a start, his heart pounding tight in his chest. Blinking rapidly and adjusting to the darkness of the room, he saw a small light on right outside of the bedroom door.

A sigh passed his lips and he sat up. She was still here. But time was moving rapidly. It had already been four months. Four months had gone by like a flash of light. At least, that's how he felt time was moving.

He slid off the bed and shuffled into the small living space of the Airbnb they were staying at in California. Anna was sitting at the desk on her laptop typing away. She was so engrossed in her writing, that she didn't realize John had entered the room until he brought his hands to rest on her shoulders.

Anna moaned slightly and leaned her head back against him. He used the tips of his fingers to give her a light massage and Anna contently sighed.

"How goes your writing?" He asked her. Anna's head nodded.

"Good. The story is finally coming together," Anna informed him. "I thought I wanted to write children's stories, but then this one came to me. It's rather tragic, but I just feel like it needs to be written."

"Ah," John said, his body feeling with unease. The tragic story was still here. In some ways, he was glad. This would be the novel that would change her world, make her a name to people. But in others, it was a sign of what was to come. Why did the tragic story had to be the center of it all? Their story was tragic enough.

"Why do you think you are drawn to a tragic tale?"

"I don't know. When we were in New York City and saw _Moulin Rouge_ on Broadway, this story just hit me. I knew I needed to write it down. It has always been one of my favorite movies and seeing it live was a whole new experience. Sometimes, that's how life ends. You lose the one you love. But knowing we may lose our love ones, makes us cherish them more, don't you think?"

John could barely respond, his head did a slight nod and he swallowed hard. He couldn't argue with her there. When he didn't know he was about to lose her, he hadn't cherished her enough. No, he had thrown away the time he could have had with her. He bit back some tears, before bending over and kissing the top of her head.

"Don't stay up too late," he murmured into her hair. "Our flight to Vegas leaves pretty early."

"I know," Anna replied. Of course, the two were completely all over the place when it came to their sleep schedules. They had gone to New York City. Spent a few days there. Then rented a car to drive up and down the east coast. The cheapest flight they found after that was to Los Angeles. So they decided to hop on it and explore the west coast. But Anna lamented they had missed all of the middle and needed to head back inward. Their first stop would be Vegas. Anna had always wanted to see what all the fuss was about it.

John allowed his fingers to linger on Anna a moment more, before he pulled them away from her shoulders and walked back to their temporary bedroom.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

As the cab pulled them onto the Vegas Strip, Anna's shoulders sagged. It didn't look as thrilling as it had in all the movies she had seen. Her lips fell into a straight line and she sat up straight to try and see down the strip better.

"This is a bit of a letdown," Anna admitted to John. John ran his hand over her thigh and took her hand within his own.

"It's daytime, darling. The thrill comes at night with the lights. Just you wait and see," he promised her. Anna glanced at him and smiled.

"Alright, I'll wait and see," she said.

The cab brought them to the front of the hotel they were staying in and John paid the tab. While Anna stepped out of the car, she looked up at the beautiful Paris themed resort. This part should be nice, at least, she thought.

Anna had no plans of gambling. She had a list a mile long of all the parts of Vegas she wanted to see and there wasn't time for that. They were only going to be here for two days before they would head to The Grand Canyon in Arizona.

The feel of John's hand coming to rest on the small of her back made Anna smile. She couldn't express how happy she was that he had agreed to this trip. It had been a crazy idea she had, but that she knew she needed to do. And if he had said no, Anna was worried it would have torn them apart.

"Let's go see our room," John whispered into her ear. A chill ran up Anna's back and she eagerly quickened her steps to go to check the two of them in to the hotel. This year long honeymoon was proving to be exciting and full of wonderful intimate moments.

But when they finally reached their room after thirty minutes of the check in process, Anna ended up collapsed on the bed and ready for a nap. John just chuckled. He kicked off his shoes and climbed into the bed with her. His arm curled around her waist and brought her against his chest.

"I'm sorry," Anna said with a yawn. "I'm just so incredibly tired."

"Rest, my love. Vegas is more fun at night anyway," he muttered into her ear. His hand came up to rest upon her waist and his thumb began to rub lazy circles against her skin to help her ease into sleep.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

He was right. Of course, he had been. When had he ever led her astray? As the two of the stepped outside that evening, everything looked exactly as Anna had expected it to. The darkness made you forget that this was a place in the middle of the desert. And all of the lights and sounds made her heart burst with excitement of all they would see that night.

The first stop was the Bellagio Water Show. John interlocked their fingers and the two walked down the strip to the Bellagio. There was already a small crowd of people standing around waiting for the next show. They found a spot and Anna rested her head against John's broad chest.

"This feels magical," she admitted to him. John ran his hand up her side and rested it on her upper arm to give her a loving squeeze.

"It does," he agreed. Then the show began. Their eyes were both drawn to the show as the water twisted, turned, splashed, and bellowed against the water below it.

"John," Anna whispered, turning to face him. Her lower lip had fallen between her teeth and he could see a slight bit of worry in her eyes.

"What's the matter, my darling? Was this not what you expected?" Anna's head shook, as John reached his hand out to rest upon her cheek.

"No, it's not that. It's just….I think I might be pregnant," her lips curled into a small, but slightly concerned smile.

John's heart stopped in his chest. No, he thought. They had been careful since those times before the wedding and Anna's cycle had come back after that. She couldn't be pregnant. This baby would lose its mother. John swallowed hard, but then his eyes met Anna's. She was watching him intently and apparently the expressions on his face were worrying her. He forced a smile.

"Pregnant?"

"I….I wouldn't be far along, at all. I just….my cycle was supposed to come back a few days ago and it didn't. I might not be."

More than anything in this world, John wanted a baby with Anna. But he wanted a baby with her that the two would raise together. That wasn't what would happen. No, he would lose her and this baby would be motherless.

"Let's get a test and see," John said, trying to sound excited. The tremor in his voice betrayed him, but fortunately Anna didn't seem to hear it against the sounds of the people around them.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_He was at Downton again. Once more, the ethereal version of Anna stood in front of him. He knew this time it wasn't her. And this time he was angry. _

_ "I don't understand. You said where there is death, there is always death. How do you bring life into this? How do you bring a baby into the world that will lose its mother?" John questioned the vision. _

_ Her head shook. "I don't make the rules. But a baby formed within your love is a gift. A gift you should happily accept."_

_ "But how can I? You…you said….there has to be a way to save her. Surely this changes things….."_

_ "Where there is death, there will always be death." _

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John awoke with a start. The sun was rising up and the light was hitting the walls. He could hear the water running in the bathroom. A sigh passed through his lips. They hadn't confirmed the pregnancy, yet. Anna had read that the best results would be if she did the test first thing in the morning.

He wanted to hide back under the covers and pretend the future didn't exist. He didn't want to lose Anna and he definitely didn't want to raise their baby alone. Swallowing the lump at the base of his throat, he sat himself up and made his way to the bathroom.

There, Anna sat on the toilet, crying. Immediately, his heart fell.

"Anna, what's happened?" But Anna's face lit up and her lips curled into a smile.

"I'm pregnant, John!" She jumped up from the seat and rushed to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "We're going to be parents!"

_**To be continued...**_

_**Please let me know what you think. This story will probably move at a quick pace and won't be incredibly long. I do hope you are enjoying it. Thank you for reading. :)**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

_The halls had grown longer. As John tried to navigate, he found himself turned around several times. There was no sign of the ethereal being. He opened door after door, only to find himself alone. _

_ His heart pound harshly against his chest. He was stuck in this in-between; this place between life and death. _

_ "John." Her voice called to him. He turned and frantically rushed down the next hallway. Why couldn't he find her? He had never struggled in finding her before. _

_ "John," the voice repeated. _

_ "Anna?" He questioned, although he knew it wasn't really her. It was a spirit of some sort that looked and sounded like her. But she didn't give him the comfort that Anna gave him. No, she gave him dread. Fear of what was to come. _

_ Finally, he turned a corner and there she was. She was sitting on a bench in front of a window with a book in her hands. Her eyes glanced up and he could see the ocean. _

_ "I don't understand," John said, "Why were you so hard to find?" _

_ "Because you're pushing me away," she explained. _

_ "Yes," he agreed. "I want you gone so that Anna will stay. We're about to have a son. A son that will lose his mother." _

_ "I won't go away, John. You know that. You knew what was going to happen. When you chose to go back, I warned you."_

_ "But my son," John cried. "He will lose his mother. You never said there would be a child." _

_ "I never said there wouldn't be one," she countered. She closed the book and placed it next to her on the bench. "You have been given a gift, John. By choosing to go back in time, fate has gifted you a son. Are you not grateful?"_

_ "I…I am. I am so thrilled to be having a son. But if life can come from this, why can't fate change my wife's future? My son will lose his mother. He won't remember her." _

_ "Where there is death, there will always be death," she repeated. John's hands curled into tight fists and his cheeks reddened. _

_ "I refuse to accept this," he told her. "I refuse to believe that I have to lose her."_

_ "You knew what you signed up for, John. It was made clear from the start."_

_ "But…time, it's moving quickly."_

_ "No. It is moving no faster or slower than before. That is a promise. It may feel faster to you, but the speed of time has not changed." _

_ "I….I can't lose her again," John pleaded. "I thought I could do it, but I can't."_

_ "You must." _

_ A flash of bright light filled the room and John could no longer see. _

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

There was something heavy on his chest. John opened his eyes to find Anna's hands on him, pushing against him, trying to get him awake. Her eyes were full of panic and he jumped up and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"What's the matter, my darling?" He asked. Despite what the figure had told him, time had seemed to move quickly. They had already moved back to Downton. Their travels abroad had ended when Anna was six month's pregnant. They decided they wanted to be home when she had the baby. But her book had been chosen by a publishing company and was to be published in the next month. There was already a lot of buzz for her story, which was surprising since she was a new author without a following.

"My…my water broke, John," Anna said, as her fingers clawed against his shirt and her face screwed up into a painful scowl.

"How long have you been having contractions?" He questioned her. Anna's face stayed in its scowl for a moment, before she loosened her fingers from his shirt and sat back slightly.

"All night," she confessed, "But my water just broke now."

"Anna," John breathed. He had slept through her in pain all night. The dreams with the figure were coming more often. Before it had been every couple of months. But as time moved closer and closer to the date of Anna's death, they came more and more frequently. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"I…I don't know," Anna said, before her breath caught in her throat. John reached out to give her his hand and she squeezed it tightly.

"This is very close, Anna. I'm calling Sybil. We need to get you to the hospital." Anna nodded through her pain. As her contraction ended, Anna took John's hand and placed it on top of her large belly.

"Soon, John. Soon our little boy will be here," she said with a bright, happy smile. John sat all the way up and placed his free hand next to his other hand. The baby moved slightly, making them both laugh.

John's eyes met Anna's and he suddenly felt the need to cry. This should have been the happiest moment in his life, but he was going to lose her soon. In five short months, she would be gone. He would have to raise their child by himself. He bent over and gave Anna a chase kiss on her lips. He had to remain strong, for her, for their child.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"I want drugs," Anna cried, as another contraction ripped through her. John held onto her hand and pushed her now sweaty hair off her cheek.

"I'm sorry, Anna, but this labor has progressed too quickly," Sybil apologized. "The baby is almost here." Anna's head fell against the pillows and she began to cry.

"Shh," John attempted to soothe. "You can do this, my darling. You're strong."

"I'm not. I can't," Anna said, shaking her head.

"You can," John strongly told her. "You're the strongest person I know. And soon you'll be holding our son, Anna. Our boy."

Anna bit down on her lip and nearly screamed as another sharp contraction hit her.

"Scream if you need to," Sybil told her. "I'm going to need you to start pushing at the next contraction, okay?"

Anna nodded, but she still wasn't sure that she was going to be able to do this.

"Hey," John said sweetly, getting her to pull her eyes to him. "You're the strongest woman I know. I love you so much, my darling."

"I love you too."

Another contraction came and Anna pushed like Sybil told her to. Everything happened very quickly. Before they knew it, the baby was crowning.

"I see hair," Sybil told Anna with a smile. "John, do you want to look?" John shook his head, making Sybil laugh.

"I'll take your word for it," John responded.

"Alright, Anna, another big push for me," Sybil instructed. It only took two more pushes before the baby's cry filled the room.

"He's here," John murmured into Anna's ear. Anna began to cry. Then she grabbed John's cheeks with her hands and fiercely kissed him. She dropped back against the pillows to see Sybil holding up their tiny new miracle. He was angry and crying. He had a full head of dark hair.

"He looks like you," Anna told John. Sybil wrapped the baby up in a blanket and handed him to Anna. John's heart swelled. He had a son. He and Anna were parents. John kissed the top of Anna's head, before placing his hand against his son's head. The baby cooed, they both laugh.

"It was worth it," Anna said. "Every ounce of pain was worth it for him." And at those words, John paused. It was. It would be worth it. All the pain he would have to go through gave him this chance to have this time with her again and he got his son. He kissed her forehead again. While he only had five months left, he would make it worth it. He would enjoy this time with his wife and son. He would document every memory for their child to hold on to in the future. Not many people got the chance to know what the future would hold.

Sybil delivered Anna's placenta and then finished up with the nurses the final steps. Then she walked over to check out the newest little one to their group. The baby was asleep and peaceful in Anna's arms.

"Does this little one have a name?"

At Sybil's question, John met Anna's eyes. They had discussed a myriad of names, but had never settled on one of them.

"I…." Anna started. John could tell that Anna had a name she wanted to name their son, but that she wanted to make sure he liked it as well. John brought her hand up to his lips and shook his head.

"Whatever name you have chosen will be his name," John assured her. "What's his name, my darling?"

"John Phillip Bates," she replied, glancing down at their new, sweet bundle. "We'll call him Phillip."

She brought Phillip up to John and placed him into John's arms. With his son in his arms, John was overwhelmed. His son was here. His son was his.

"Hello, Phillip," he cooed. "I'm your daddy. You and I are going to have lots of fun together."

"Beautiful name," Sybil said, placing her hand on Anna's shoulder. "I have to go and check on another patient. Let me know if you need me, alright?"

"Alright."

John bounced Phillip in his arms, amazed at the love that soared through him. He had never felt a more powerful love in his entire life. The connection to Phillip was so strong. He was theirs. Their love had given them Phillip.

His eyes glanced over to Anna and he saw she was nearly asleep.

"Go to sleep, my darling. Phillip and I will be here when you wake up."

Anna reached out to touch the baby's cheek. "He's perfect."

"He is," John agreed. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For Phillip. For us. I love you, Anna."

"I love you, too."

"Now get some rest, while Phillip and I get acquainted."

**_To be continued..._**

**_This story only has one or two more installments left. Thank you for reading! _**


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you for reading! _

**Chapter 7**

_I break, I borrow, I live, I lose  
I pray, I'm hollowed, I'm dead, confused  
I'll find you_

_-Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Steve Erdody- _Break

36 hours. John's stomach did a flip. 36 hours and she would be gone. He could barely concentrate all day. Many times he had tried to warn Anna of what was to come, but he physically could not do it. Whenever he tried to speak, his words would get stuck within his throat. He figured it was fate's way of intervening, of keeping things from changing.

He had thought he could do this, but fear boiled in the pit of his stomach. He only had 36 hours left with the woman he loved.

Anna stepped out of their bedroom and into the living room. She had just put Phillip down for the night. He slept in a small cot by their bed. Seeing Anna, John's heart leapt. How could he show her how much he loved her?

John jumped up from the couch and rushed over to her, placing his hands on either side of her face and quickly catching her lips with his own. Anna kissed him back and slid her hands behind his back, pulling him closer to her.

"Well hi," Anna said, as their lips pulled apart.

"Let's go away," John murmured, his hands not leaving her face. "We can leave first thing in the morning." Anna laughed and shook her head.

"My signing is in the morning. Mary has planned a huge after party. I couldn't leave before that happens."

"Then the next day. We have to leave here, Anna," John frantically stated. Perhaps if he was able to take her away from Downton, her life would be spared.

"What's gotten into you?" Anna asked, worry covering her features. John opened his mouth to tell her not to go to the coffee shop or cross that street, but it wouldn't come out. Tears filled his eyes and he ran his thumb over her cheek.

"I love you so much, Anna. I don't want to lose you," he said, before bending over and kissing her again.

"You won't," Anna promised between kisses. She grabbed at the front of his shirt and stepped forwards, making John's back hit the wall. "You, Phillip, and me, we're a family, John. We'll be together forever."

John groaned slightly, but Anna didn't pick up on the sadness in his voice, only lust. She ran her fingers down his front and slid her hands up under his shirt to touch his bare skin. Then her hands continued on their path up and slid the shirt up with them. John had to let go of Anna's cheeks for a moment to help his shirt come up and over his head, and then he placed his hands back where they were. He didn't want to let her go.

Once more, he captured her lips with his own. He needed to taste her, feel her. His hands skimmed down to her sides and lifted her night shirt up and over her head so that they both were left only in their undergarments.

He rested his hands on her hips and his lower lip began to quiver. Anna's hand came up to his jaw and she ran her finger over his lips.

"John?" She questioned. He reached his hand up to take her hand within his own and kissed the tip of her fingers, before wrapping both arms around her and lifting her up so that her legs would have to curve around him for support.

He walked the two of them to the couch and laid her down, before peppering kisses down the length of her neck.

"I love you," he repeated, over and over. Anna's fingers ran through his hair, as he brought his kisses down the middle of her chest. His fingers hooked into the sides of her knickers and Anna willingly lifted her lips for him to pull them down.

"I'm ready. I want you," Anna said, lifting him up to her. She pulled at his boxers and John quickly kicked them off.

"Are you sure?" He questioned, as his fingers ran along the line of her jaw. Anna nodded. He positioned himself over her and slowly glided himself within her. He tried not to think about how this could be their last time ever together, although he was hopeful that they would be able to make love again tomorrow night. But Phillip made intimate time together harder to come by.

Anna's hips rolled and John groaned into her ear. Her hand ran down his back and tightened against his hip. John didn't want to rush this. His eyes stayed locked on hers.

"I love you," he told her again.

"I love you," she said in return. Then she pressed her head against his shoulder, breaking their eye contact and changing the pace. Soon, he could no longer control himself and their movements became more frantic as they searched for that special high. He felt as Anna clinched around him and soon he released.

Anna laid back and sighed, smiling up at him.

"That was a surprise," Anna said. John opened his mouth to say something, but a cry from their bedroom made Anna lightly push John off of her and sit up.

"I am not sure what's going on with him," Anna lightly complained. For the past several nights, Phillip had been waking up nearly every hour or two. He had been sleeping all night and this had thrown them for a loop. Anna found her night shirt off the floor and threw it over her head.

"I could try to take him for you so you can rest," John offered. Anna shook her head.

"Sadly, you don't have what he wants," she teased. Then she disappeared back into the bedroom. John had to bite down on the inside of his cheek so he wouldn't cry. Phillip's life would also be turned upside down in 36 hours. Maybe he knew. Maybe that was why he wouldn't sleep and kept asking for his time with his mother. John swallowed hard. He wasn't sure he was going to survive.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

It was the day of the book signing. Anna had John walk Phillip around the store, so that she could focus on meeting with everyone who had come to visit her.

"This is so wonderful, Anna! Truly!" Daisy exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around Anna's neck and held her close. For years, the two had worked at Downton together.

"Thank you, Daisy."

"We're all quite proud of you," Mrs. Patmore added. "We make sure to tell everyone in town that we know you."

"Yes, they do," Mrs. Carson stated with a smile. "We're all proud."

"Thank you. I can't thank you enough for all your support. I am so grateful to have this book signing set up. It's crazy how many people want to meet me." Anna paused, because the announcer began to introduce her.

While he spoke, Anna's eyes fell over the crowd. She saw Mary up front with several books already in her hands, making Anna chuckle. Glancing over to the corner, she saw John showing off Phillip to some of the guests. Anna smiled. Her boys.

The announcer finished his introduction and Anna took her seat at the table. She pushed a bright smile on her lips. For nearly two hours, she signed books and took pictures. Every Downton native told her how proud they were of her. All of these people who didn't know her were proud of Anna. A random, nobody from their town had become someone.

"How does this work, exactly?" A familiar voice spoke. Anna glanced up and there stood John and Phillip. She chuckled. Phillip reached out for Anna and she happily pulled him into her lap, kissing his chubby cheek at the same time.

"What would you like me to sign?" Anna asked.

"To John," he stated with a bright smile on his lips. Anna quickly wrote inside of his book and slid it back to him.

"Here you go," she said. Then she stood and handed Phillip back to John. "This will probably take a while longer. You're welcome to go home, if you'd like."

"Never. I want to be here for your big moment, Anna," he sincerely stated. Then he turned and walked away.

She didn't have time to say much more, because there were still people who wanted to meet her. John moved out of the way and Anna watched as his frame disappeared within the crowd.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Walking away, John opened the book to see what Anna had written.

_To John._ _Love you always, Anna. _

John glanced back at Anna and saw her smiling and taking pictures with some younger girls. Her face was bright. His heart twisted. He wanted to rush back to her and crash his lips into hers. But he held himself back. He had to let her have this moment. He had to be fair to her. So he walked around with Phillip, saying hi to everyone, and waited until it was time to go to the party with Anna.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna, John, and Phillip walked into the party a few minutes late. Phillip was being extra fussy and he had barely napped. As soon as they entered the house, Mary grabbed Anna and took her away.

John watched as Anna was brought to the front of the room by Mary. Mary had informed Anna, over the phone on the way there, that she was going to do a speech.

"Our lady of honor! Anna Smith!" Mary announced. "My best friend," she added with a bright smile. Mary stepped aside and he watched as Anna shifted uneasily on her feet. She had never been one to want much attention and he was sure the book signing had been plenty for her that day.

"Hello everyone and thank you for coming out to celebrate with me. When I first wrote my story and took it to the first few publishing companies, they all begged for me to change the ending. A tragic love story was not what they wanted. They said that people needed happy endings, but I refused. Tragedy can show us what really matters. With life comes tragedy. We lose the people we love, but because we know that can happen, we cherish them more deeply. I do hope you enjoyed _I'll Find You_. Thank you everyone!"

John sat back. He could feel the tears coming again. He still hadn't read her book and he wasn't sure if he ever could. It was a story he had already lived and would live again. Phillip began to fuss again and John turned the baby so that he could rest his head on John's shoulder and began to bounce him.

With a sigh, John headed back to the corner of the room, staying hidden out of plain sight. He didn't want the fussy baby to get in the way of Anna's night. Bouncing Phillip, the little boy was lulled into a deep sleep.

"You did it," Anna chuckled, coming up behind him. She placed her hand on John's shoulder and bent over to kiss Phillip's sleepy cheek.

"Are you having fun?" Anna nodded.

"It's crazy all the attention my little book is getting."

"I don't think so," John replied. "I always knew you were destined for greatness, Anna." And he had. In their first time, he wondered if that was why he had let her go. Maybe he had thought he wasn't meant for that greatness with her. But he was. And he was so grateful to have been given the chance to do it all over again.

"I'm tired," Anna confessed. With Phillip not sleeping, they both were pretty tired. He twisted his lips and bent over to kiss her cheek.

"Let's go home," he offered.

"But Mary…."

"She'll be fine," he replied. "Let's go home."

He, of course, had his own personal reasons for wanting to go home with Anna now. Their time was running out. 12 hours and she would be gone.

"Okay."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The night had been long. Phillip had screamed nearly the entire night. John and Anna took turns holding him and letting the other sleep some. When morning came, John was exhausted, but he refused to sleep. They were down to two hours. His body was full of dread.

"Let's stay home all day," John said, grabbing Anna's hands. "Okay?"

"Okay," Anna laughed. "But can I shower?" John bit his lip, but nodded. Anna handed him the baby and kissed his cheek. "I love you."

"I love you," he replied. Then he went to lay on the couch with the baby.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When Anna walked back into the living room, she found that John and Phillip had both succumbed to their tiredness and were asleep on the couch. She chuckled to herself and grabbed her phone to take a picture of them both sleeping. As she snapped the picture, a knock came at the door.

"Mary," she said, happily surprised. Mary lifted a bag of things and stepped into their house.

"I found all of these baby things of George's. I thought you might want to have them for Phillip."

"Thanks," Anna said, taking the bag. She led Mary into the kitchen and pulled out things to make coffee. However, she saw they were out.

"Go get yourself a coffee. I'll stay here and let John know where you went if he wakes. I'd like to go through these clothes properly and make sure Daisy didn't miss any of the pieces."

"Alright."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

_John was lying on a large couch in the middle of the room. His eyes narrowed and he saw the figure walking over to him. She bent down and pressed a kiss against his forehead. _

_ "Wake up," she said. "Where there is death, there will always be death."_

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John jerked awake. He sat up slowly and his eyes adjusted to the light in the room. He gently placed Phillip in the swing next to the couch and walked toward the noise he heard in Phillip's room. When he stepped into the nursery, he was surprised to find Mary sorting through clothes.

"Mary? Where is Anna?"

"She went to get coffee," Mary simply stated. John's stomach fell and he shook his head.

"No….no."

_Where there is death, there will always be death._

John's head shot up. "Will you watch Phillip? I….I have to go."

"Sure, but what….."

Before Mary could finish her sentence, John had already rushed out of the flat.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Thank you," Anna said, smiling at the barista and taking her coffee from his hands. With both her hands, she cupped the coffee and brought it up to her lips, grateful for the rush of heat and caffeine touching her lips. She used to not be a coffee drinker, but as she wrote and had late nights with Phillip, she had found herself needing the nectar to keep her awake.

"It's you!" A teen girl excitedly said, rushing over to Anna. "Can I get a picture?"

"Sure," Anna replied with a smile. She leaned in and the girl pulled out her phone to do a selfie.

"Thank you!"

"No problem," Anna answered. It was still weird to get stopped by a random stranger wanting a picture with her. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did, it still threw her off guard. She couldn't believe people wanted to take pictures with her.

She opened the door of the coffee shop and stepped outside. It was a nice, brisk day.

With the success of _I'll Find You_, her publishers were hoping for a new story. Anna was struggling with her characters and set up of the story. She knew they wanted another tragic love story, but she wasn't sure where to begin.

Anna clicked the button for the road crossing sign and waited until the light told her it was time to cross. She stepped onto the gravel and took a few steps, before she heard someone scream. But she didn't have a chance to see why someone had screamed, because next thing she knew, she was being shoved by hands and pushed out of the way. She saw a figure and in a flash it being hit by a car. She screamed.

"John!"

_**To be continued...one last time.**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

John had always heard that when you die your life flashes before your eyes. It didn't happen with flashes of moments. No, as he shoved Anna out of the way and the car hit him, all he could see was Anna and Phillip. They were there in front of him and he felt a sense of completeness and feeling of contentment that let him know they would be okay.

_Where there is death, there will always be death._

He had finally cracked the code. No matter what he was going to lose her. But the world didn't have to lose her. Phillip didn't have to lose her. No, one had to die and he chose himself. It hadn't even been a question the moment he realized what the ethereal being had been trying to tell him from the start. Because it was always Anna. He would always choose her over him.

His eyes opened and he was back in the room where it had started. The room where he had chosen to go back in time and be with Anna again.

"You chose unselfishly," the being said, entering the room. It no longer looked like Anna, and yet, John knew it was still the same being from before. He nodded.

"Of course, I love her."

"We know," she answered. "But you had to come to the choice on your own. We couldn't make it for you. It was your own free will that saved her life."

"Will she and my son be okay?" He had to know for certain. The being nodded.

"Yes. They will find happiness again."

"Will she marry again?"

"I cannot answer that for you. I only know that your wife and son will be happy. They will miss you fiercely, but they will be happy."

John's eyes closed. He felt as though he could feel Anna near him, but he couldn't see her.

"You have been granted a gift for being selfless." At her words, John's eyes reopened.

"Gift?"

"You'll be allowed to visit your son and your wife throughout the years, see them and feel them. They won't see you, but they'll feel you. They'll know you are there, watching them."

"When?"

"You'll know when. You'll feel them calling for you, pulling to be near you."

"I feel her," John replied. "She…she's nearby."

"Then go. Go to her."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

With a flash of light, John was back within his flat. He saw Mary and Elsie sitting on the couch talking in soft voices. As he walked toward them, neither moved.

"It's awful," Mary murmured. "Poor Anna. I just don't understand how he knew…."

"Me either," Elsie agreed. "We could have lost her instead. We just have to be here for her and Phillip. That's what John would want."

John nodded to himself. It was what he wanted. And he was grateful that Anna would have them in the times to come. A coo came from the small bassinet next to Mary and John walked over to it. As he glanced in, he saw his son. And Phillip looked right at him and smiled. He knew he was there. John reached out his hand and touched the small boy's cheek.

"I love you," he murmured to the small boy. "You'll need to be a good boy for your mummy. I promise I'll come and watch over you, my dear son." The boy gurgled and reached his hands up to him.

"Someone's awake and happy," Elsie said, lifting the boy up and holding him to her chest. "Poor boy doesn't know what he's lost." The little boy kept his eyes on John. John bent over and kissed the top of the boy's head.

He remained there for several moments, not wanting to leave. But then he felt a pull to the bedroom. Their bedroom. His hand lingered on Phillip's back, but then he made his way toward Anna.

There she was on the bed, curled up into a ball. His heart fell. He never wanted her in any pain, but he also wouldn't change giving his life for hers.

Slowly, he climbed into the bed next to her and wrapped his arms around her frame. He felt Anna shift and knew she could feel him.

"Why?" She asked into the air.

"Because I love you," he answered.

"Why did you do it?" She asked again. She couldn't hear him. He sighed, but his hands tightened their hold around her. He pressed his head into the nook of her neck and breathed her in.

"Why not let me die? How am I going to raise Phillip alone?"

John wanted to reply, but he couldn't. She wouldn't hear him. So he just held her as she cried.

"Don't leave me," she begged, her sobs growing.

"I won't," he promised. He knew he would be back. He would never truly leave her. And he held her until she fell asleep hours later. It was then that he felt himself being pulled back. He would have to go, for now.

Sitting up slightly, he pressed a kiss to her cheek and ran his hand up her arm.

"I will be back," he told her. "I would do this again, if it meant the time we had. I don't regret a moment of it. I love you, Anna, my darling. I'll always love you."

Then he slowly unlatched his grasp on her and slid off the bed. As he began to turn toward the light that was calling him, he heard Anna speak.

"I will always love you, too, John."

He reached his hand out and touched her cheek, Anna's hand came over his. He felt his breath catch within his throat. Their hands remained like that for a few moments, before he had to pull away and head toward the light that was calling him back.

"I don't regret a moment, Anna," he said, disappearing. "And I never will." Then with another flash, he was gone.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna sat up, sure that it had all been a dream. However, she could still feel where his hand had rested against her cheek. She brought her hand up and touched where his hand had lingered. Her eyes closed and she tried to see if she could still feel his presence.

"I don't either," she whispered into the air. "Never."

**The End **


End file.
